Wednesday, June 3, 2015

The Education of Jasper Goldberg


DANNY (37) stands next to BRADY (38) as they enter and ascend a staircase in a Brooklyn brownstone.

DANNY: Who lives here again?

BRADY: Ali’s friend Sarah and her wife Heather. They’re on vacation in Greece and we’re checking on Jasper twice a day since we live so close.

DANNY: They can afford a trip to Greece but not a dog-sitter?

BRADY: Guess they prefer Jasper to stay in their home rather than tear up someone else’s furniture.

Brady opens a 2nd floor apartment door and they enter. 


Danny looks around at framed pictures of Heather and Sarah that fill the apartment.

DANNY: I’ve never seen more photos of a happy couple.

BRADY: They met in college and been togetherever since. They’re so happy it’s insane.

DANNY: Seriously though every photo is the two of them either kissing or smiling or floating on a cloud somewhere.

BRADY: Ali and I joke we want their relationship, but keep my penis.

DANNY: I think couples put up happy photos as reminders that they were once happy and when the shit gets worse which it always does they look at the photos during arguments to say “hey stop yelling at me fuckface look how happy we were on vacation 3 years ago before all this shit happened.”

BRADY: Whoa that’s some deep cynicism there buddyboy.

Dog barks in the background. Brady and Danny walk through the apartment to the kitchen.

BRADY: Hey Jasper!

JASPER (adorable 1 year old brown Cockapoo) is thrilled to see humans. Brady and Danny take turns petting Jasper as he jumps up and down and up and down and...

DANNY: What’s up little guy!

Brady refills Jasper’s food / water bowls as Danny looks on the fridge and sees more photo magnets of the happy couple.

DANNY: They don’t like look Goldbergs.

BRADY: Not all Jews look--

DANNY (interrupting): --YES WE DO!

BRADY: But you semites all smoke weeeeeeeed.

Last word lingers on as Brady reaches into a cabinet and pulls out a joint from a box that is clearly a marijuana paraphernalia box.

DANNY: Heeeellll yeeeaaaa. What kind is it? If it’s indica I’ll quickly transform into a couch.

BRADY: They usually have sativa.

Danny inspects the label on the pot container.

DANNY: Ha! It’s called Bruce Jenner. Guess it makes you rethink everything in your life.

Brady & Danny getting high, blowing smoke in Jasper’s ears, being high and playing with Jasper.

DANNY: This is really good stuff. Who lives here again?

BRADY: Ali’s friends Sarah and Rachel. No Sarah and Beth. No, Sarah and Heather. (BEAT) Shit, if Ali finds out I got zonked in the middle of the day she’ll give me the 3rd degree for not cleaning our apartment or doing anything other than getting zonked in the middle of the day.

DANNY: Everyone always gets the third degree. What’s the 3rd degree anyway? Can you imagine how much worse the second degree is? gets worse right, like a burn, or murder charge?

BRADY: 3rd degree murder is chill like you probably killed a rodent or something.

DANNY: 2nd degree murder that’s real murder. Blood and death and you’re going to Sing Sing or Rikers but not long enough, like enough to get raped a couple times but not commit to Islam.

BRADY: 1st degree murder is definitely the worst, like you killed someone with your bare hands in front of a kindergarten class during show’n’tell.

DANNY: So third degree ain’t that bad. (BEAT) Nature calls where’s the bathroom?

BRADY: Down the hall second door on the left.

Danny walks off-camera.

Brady is sitting on the ground starring off in silence - then takes a spoon from the counter and stares at his reflection in it and moves it up and down and around.


Danny opens the bathroom door and enters but forgetfully leaves the door open. He walks to the toilet and unzips. CAMERA to his back - as he pees he looks around. Stack of New Yorkers on a shelf, feminine beauty products, framed pictures of Heather and Sarah on vacation in several places.

Jasper runs into the bathroom and stands near Danny, looking at him.

DANNY: Jasper what are you doing in here? I’m pissing go on get outta here. 

Jasper doesn’t budge.

DANNY (waving his hand): Jasper go on.

Jasper turns and walks out of scene.

Danny keeps peeing as he looks around and sees a framed photograph of Heather and Sarah. He muses at it for a second.

DANNY (calling out): Jasper buddy come back. Come here! 

Jasper comes running back and stands near Danny.

DANNY: Good boy! Sit.

Jasper sits, eagerly looking at Danny. Danny continues peeing and starts to shake - his head is turned talking to Jasper.

DANNY: Jasper let’s be real here dude. You live with two lesbians so I’m doing you a favor here. Maybe you’ve seen a dildo before if they’re into that but most likely you didn’t connect the dots.

Danny does a final shake then turns around and faces Jasper, dick dangling and exposed.

DANNY: Here you go little guy, this is a dick. The first you’ve ever seen and very likely the last you’ll ever see.

Jasper cocks his head (pardon the pun) and looks curiously at Danny’s dick.

Jasper barks.

                                                                FADE OUT.

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