Monday, December 9, 2013

Water Works

August in New York. The city drips off itself. 
SAM (31) and JESSIE (30), both drunk, kiss outside Sam’s apartment door.

JESSIE: You were so good tonight with my friends. They loved you. I got hot watching you make them laugh.

Jessie kisses Sam then puts her hand to his forehead.

JESSIE: Oh no, you feel warm.

Jessie backs up and looks at Sam.

JESSIE: I think this little boy needs a visit from the nurse he’s been waiting for.

Sam is ecstatic. He can't open the door fast enough.

They enter Sam’s TINY studio apartment. Sam grabs Jessie’s ass but she sways his hand away.

JESSIE: Ah ah ah, sick patients can’t touch until the nurse says so.

SAM: I’m a naughty naughty rule-breaker.

Sam puts iPhone on a dock. Marvin Gaye’s "Sexual Healing" plays. 
They look at each other and laugh.

JESSIE: Now get ready for your exam while I slip into something more, nurse-able.

Jessie gives him a sexy look as he walks into the bathroom. 

Sam peels off his sweat-soaked shirt and jumps out of his shorts. 
Mid-pee, he sings in a thick Yiddish accent:

SAM: And when I get that feeling I want sexual healing, sexual healing oh baby...

Sam rinses with mouthwash. Whilst gurgling, he wets his hands and puts them in his pants and washes his balls. He sniffs his armpits, applies deodorant, then spits out mouthwash.

SAM (loud, but into the mirror): The patient is ready!

Sam exits the bathroom and sees Jessie passed out, in her SEXY NURSE COSTUME. 
He sighs in defeat, shrugs his shoulders, then puts a blanket on her and kisses her cheek. 
Sam changes music to RELAXING OCEAN SOUNDS then lays next to Jessie.

Sam is lying face-down, spread eagle, taking up most of the bed. He peacefully sleeps, then groggily opens his eyes. He quickly turns on his back, panicked. He feels downward to his underwear. His hand and eyes reach his crotch at the same time. He covers his mouth to stifle a mortified gasp. His boxers are soaked.

Deep breaths, then he carefully turns Jessie over and tries to remove a bedsheet under her but it won’t budge. He slips out of bed and runs to the bathroom and quietly closes the door. Sam peels off his soaking boxers and throws them in the sink and rinses them off. He stands, naked, STILL DRUNK.

He exits the bathroom, puts on a new pair of boxers, then looks at Jessie. He’s fucked. 
Sam grabs his laptop and sits in a kitchen chair. He Googles “24-Hour laundromat, Park Slope”.

NUGGET (adorable small orange kitten) walks over and MEOWS as he rubs against Sam’s leg. Sam ignores Nugget and is now Googling “adult bedwetting”, “male incontinence”, “unemployed guy in his 30s who wets the bed”. Nugget brushes Sam’s leg again. Sam closes his laptop then does a ‘face in hands I’m hopeless slouch’. Nugget meows.

SAM: Shhh, you’re gonna wake her.

BAM! He grabs Nugget’s TWO water bowls and empties both in a sink. He wets his hands and pats water near Nugget’s privates.

Sam then unplugs the stereo, TV, and DVD player and hides the chords deep behind the cabinet.

SAM: (excited whisper) Genius!

He unplugs the fan aimed at Jessie, then carefully gets into bed and unplugs / replugs the clock radio. Sam softly nudges Jessie.

SAM: Hey gorgeous wake up. Nugsy Wugsy had an accident. 

Jessie doesn’t move. Sam nudges her again.

SAM: Hey beautiful, Nugsy Wugsy peed the bed.

JESSIE (one eye open): No he didn’t.

SAM: Yes he did.

JESSIE: I’m a veterinarian. Cats don’t pee in beds they have litter boxes.

SAM: Baby, the sheets are wet let me get new ones so you can be comfortable.

JESSIE: I WAS comfortable.

Jessie feels around the bed.

JESSIE: Holy shit they’re soaked.

SAM: Told you, Nugget had an accident.

JESSIE: Kittens aren’t puppies they don’t have accidents. (Beat) It’s blazing in here why is the fan off?

SAM: Heat blackout. All the electronics went out. 

Sam points to the alarm clock BLINKING 12:00.

SAM (sadface): Sorry about the fan. Wish I could afford air conditioning.

JESSIE (sympathetic): I know baby, you’ll get a job soon.

Jessie looks around. 

JESSIE: Where is Nugget?

SAM: Maybe hiding. Probably ashamed.

JESSIE: Cats don’t get ashamed.

SAM: I’d be if I were him. Truth is, we don’t really know the guy. You found him alone, abandoned on a dark street in Jersey and I adopted him because I love cats.

JESSIE: He was your first cat.

SAM: I love him like a son. Maybe he had a rough street-life and can’t deal.

JESSIE Sammy, cats are my specialty. I’m telling you cats don’t pee in beds.

SAM: All due respect baby, you just graduated from vet school and it’s possible you haven’t seen everything there is in the infinitely beautiful feline universe. Look, both his water bowls are empty.

Sam points to Nugget’s water bowls as Nugget walks over. Jessie picks him up for an impromptu exam: presses his stomach, inspects his anus, squeezes his nuts, all the fun stuff. 
Nugget looks confused, like the suspect of a crime he didn’t commit.

Sam removes the wet sheet and puts on a clean one.

SAM: Is he wet near his Nugget parts?

JESSIE: Yea. But that’s not unusual because cats clean themselves so much.

SAM: Seems weird, but you’re the vet.

JESSIE: I don’t see anything wrong with him but I’ll bring him to the clinic later and run some tests.

SAM: What kind of tests?

JESSIE: Full blood and urine work-up. Best case it’s nothing. Or could be a kidney stone which is rare for kittens but happens. Worst cast it’s an urethral tumor and we’ll surgically remove it and that can cure his incontinence.

Jessie puts Nugget on the floor.

SAM (trying to keep his cool): Maybe we should let it slide the first time.
(Sam now in a baby voice) He’s a wittle scawred Nuggetface. Maybe I’ll give him some extra wovin’ and he’ll be fine.

Sam picks up Nugget and brings him to bed. They mingle awkwardly like forced gym class partners on the rope climb. Jessie gets into bed and they both pet Nugget.

JESSIE: Awww. You’re the sweetest boyfriend in the whole world and Nuggetface is the luckiest kitten to have you as his dad.

Sam leans over and touches Jessie’s ass in her Nurse Costume.

SAM: There’s another patient in this bed that needs an exam...

                                                                                  FADE OUT.